Episode VII: Ready for Silence and the Heat
Some excerpts from my journal.
9.2.06
Leaving for L.A. The airport is a bit cold. My mother cried; my father almost cried. I spoke to my grandparents on my mom's cell phone just a few minutes ago. I'm important to a few people.
9.9.06
Got to O'ahu's southern beaches by 2p.m. Had lunch and brightly colored drinks by the beach, then swam in the ocean, then wandered inland for dinner. L., S., and I bummed around the streets of Honolulu for about an hour, making fun of the items in gift shops and figuring out the bus routes.
9.10.06
I hate the city. People walk everywhere, but they are only looking to buy something. No one ever just stops and sits. But I miss the city. The city is cold, and it is harsh. I miss the cold that slashes, cuts, flays. Harsh warmth is different, not at all bracing. I'm sitting outside with half the group of trainees. Two people are playing their guitars. On the table I am writing on is a pink flower, a small shell (white), and a piece of bone-white coral. Going to dinner now.
9.14.06
The dinner on the 10th was perfect. Patio overlooking the lagoon, very few lights in the trees around the lagoon. A shooting star arched perfectly, slowly across the sky in front of us. P., Z., L., and I were the only ones who saw it. I walked to training today. The view from the causeway (which links my tiny island to the main island) reminds me that some things are beautiful enough that everyone considers them beautiful. There are some things no one can ignore. Went to a waterfall this afternoon, tropical rainforest, very glamorous. The stars tonight are beyone what I can understand. I see them, there they are, but I will never understand them. Despite this, they mean so much to me. I miss my dad.
9.18.06
Trash. This is it--this is how we kill the planet. Not war, not hatred, but neglect. Visited some old ruins yesterday. People walk around these ruins, think, this is amazing, I can't believe anyone built this. Perhaps some don't fully understand them or know their purpose, but all see it as something that was accomplished. I hope this is everything my life is, in the end. Snorkling was good, swam out to the end of the first shelf of the tide pool. Felt a little as if I wasn't supposed to be there. A tourist came by and jumped off a high rock into the water. Our conversation:
Tourist: You should jump off that. It's awesome.
Me: Looks kind of shallow. I can see the rocks.
Tourist: Worst thing is you'll break something, they have hospitals here. Come on, it's worth it.
Me: If I break something I might have to go home. I want to be here for a while.
Tourist: Oh. Okay, have a good day.
"I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all"
-Bono, "Stuck in a Moment That You Can't Get Out Of"
9.23.06
Just checked my email. A lot of junk mail, some nice words, some harsh words. Amazing that out in the quiet, in the heat of this place, I am happy. I step into air conditioning, use the internet, reconnect with America, and I can be viciously levelled.
"And in those for ever exiled waters, I had lost the miserable warping memories of tradition and towns."
-Herman Melville, Moby-Dick
Still, I do miss my friends, my family, baseball, the Ohio River, Chicago, and autumn.
9.2.06
Leaving for L.A. The airport is a bit cold. My mother cried; my father almost cried. I spoke to my grandparents on my mom's cell phone just a few minutes ago. I'm important to a few people.
9.9.06
Got to O'ahu's southern beaches by 2p.m. Had lunch and brightly colored drinks by the beach, then swam in the ocean, then wandered inland for dinner. L., S., and I bummed around the streets of Honolulu for about an hour, making fun of the items in gift shops and figuring out the bus routes.
9.10.06
I hate the city. People walk everywhere, but they are only looking to buy something. No one ever just stops and sits. But I miss the city. The city is cold, and it is harsh. I miss the cold that slashes, cuts, flays. Harsh warmth is different, not at all bracing. I'm sitting outside with half the group of trainees. Two people are playing their guitars. On the table I am writing on is a pink flower, a small shell (white), and a piece of bone-white coral. Going to dinner now.
9.14.06
The dinner on the 10th was perfect. Patio overlooking the lagoon, very few lights in the trees around the lagoon. A shooting star arched perfectly, slowly across the sky in front of us. P., Z., L., and I were the only ones who saw it. I walked to training today. The view from the causeway (which links my tiny island to the main island) reminds me that some things are beautiful enough that everyone considers them beautiful. There are some things no one can ignore. Went to a waterfall this afternoon, tropical rainforest, very glamorous. The stars tonight are beyone what I can understand. I see them, there they are, but I will never understand them. Despite this, they mean so much to me. I miss my dad.
9.18.06
Trash. This is it--this is how we kill the planet. Not war, not hatred, but neglect. Visited some old ruins yesterday. People walk around these ruins, think, this is amazing, I can't believe anyone built this. Perhaps some don't fully understand them or know their purpose, but all see it as something that was accomplished. I hope this is everything my life is, in the end. Snorkling was good, swam out to the end of the first shelf of the tide pool. Felt a little as if I wasn't supposed to be there. A tourist came by and jumped off a high rock into the water. Our conversation:
Tourist: You should jump off that. It's awesome.
Me: Looks kind of shallow. I can see the rocks.
Tourist: Worst thing is you'll break something, they have hospitals here. Come on, it's worth it.
Me: If I break something I might have to go home. I want to be here for a while.
Tourist: Oh. Okay, have a good day.
"I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all"
-Bono, "Stuck in a Moment That You Can't Get Out Of"
9.23.06
Just checked my email. A lot of junk mail, some nice words, some harsh words. Amazing that out in the quiet, in the heat of this place, I am happy. I step into air conditioning, use the internet, reconnect with America, and I can be viciously levelled.
"And in those for ever exiled waters, I had lost the miserable warping memories of tradition and towns."
-Herman Melville, Moby-Dick
Still, I do miss my friends, my family, baseball, the Ohio River, Chicago, and autumn.
posted by rjs at 6:24 PM
6 Comments:
Glad to see you were finally able to get to the internet! Friends and family miss you and if the Ohio River could speak, I imagine it would say the same. Can't wait to hear about Kosrae and the children. Good to know you are not following the counsel of tourists.
weaver
J, first things first.
1. You have air conditioning?
2. I am jealous.
3. What other "Western" ammenities they hooking you up with down there?
4. Baseball is good.
5. The Sox... not so much.
6. I still love them.
7. Take care.
C.
All that stuff will be waiting for you when you get back, and you better have damn good stories
so glad that you finally got to the internet to get messages from friends and family that miss you also. wish i could have joined you for dinner and stars. we'll be here for you and your stories.
rws
Everything you ever needed to know:
Edna St. Vincent Millay and her poem "First Fig."
Dig. Sorry for the delay.
It is good to know that you look very cautiously before you consider the leap. I'm sure that most of us in the states are a bit envious of your surroundings and freedoms. JES
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